Coming of Age of the Elderly

 

 

Coming of age of the elderly  (this page is presently under construction and editing:  Last edit was on May 23, 2023)

This is a document I am inviting people to contribute to, especially those who are 60 years and older.  This document will continually be edited, expanded and revised. Like life, it will always be a work-in-progress.  I am initially inviting Nora, Frannie and Lanny to contribute but all are welcome.

I intend this series to be a collection of thoughts about the elderly - who we are, what we are, how we wish to live, how we wish to be regarded.  The result will be a motley collection arranged in no particular way, always personal, always individually idiosyncratic. 

Fair, just, respectful and compassionate interchanges are imperative.  Diminishing, demeaning and attacking others is totally unacceptable.  These include accusations, cursing, calling other people names, negative attributions and the like.  There will be no pressure exerted on anyone to disclose or say anything one wishes not to divulge.  Everyone’s privacy will be respected.  Do not reveal personal private matters without consent and review.  Invent fictional characters.

I will edit all contributions.  I will inform the contributors of my edits and the reasons for my edits. If the contributor objects and we cannot come to an agreement, I will defer to the contributor or suggest we seek other opinions.  It is to be understood that the contributor's opinions are his and hers alone.   

This is not therapy - just a sharing of ideas and specific experiences without emphasis on the people involved.  I will use fictional characters if called for.  Resolution of conflicts is not a goal.  It is a chance for questions and clarifications.  If anything, it should ease the transitions that come with dealing with those that are aging.     

Coming of age in the later years of one’s life.

In the year of 2022, I turned 80 years of age.  Eight months later, my wife turned 80 as well.  The 80’s are different from the 70’s.  It is a turning point.  The subtle changes that come with aging are magnified and can no longer be ignored.  We have to be more patient and mindful of ourselves.  We are uniquely elderly just as we were uniquely young during our earliest years.  It is a coming of age, one of many in a lifetime.

Contribution of Dad, Sonny, Luis

1.      I do not wish to be treated like a child. 

I have been a parent for six children and do not wish to now become the child of my children or of anyone else.     

A parent manages the child in age-appropriate ways.  The parents set boundaries in terms of what the child is allowed to do and not do, what is negotiable and nonnegotiable.  Parents try to instill social values and virtues (e.g., working hard, honesty).

Basically, I wish to be treated similar to how parents ought to treat their adult children.  Parents of adult children ought only “help” rather than take over, influence rather than control. 

This means I ought to be part of all decisions that have to do with me.  Many well-meaning people make decisions for others for what they think is for the “others” own good.  I would rather decide for myself rather than others deciding for me.  I do not wish to be spared.

I would want to be present and part of all gatherings and discussions that have to do with me.  My wishes should carry the most weight.

Nora relates to her clients as serving and helping them rather than their being treated and controlled by her.The bottom line is that we welcome activities with people rather than for people.

2.     I do not wish to be in a situation where I have to choose between those I love and what I dearly value.

I think this is self-explanatory.  I do not think anyone wishes to have to choose between those they love.  It is probably not as serious today as it was in the past.  The “Hunger” games movies capitalized on this theme.  The family, as a social unit does not function in as many important ways as it did in the past.  The overemphasis on the individual, the rise of authoritarianism and the polarization of society all contribute to the relegation of the family from what it used to be.  Blood may be thicker than water.  But choice is thicker than blood - or love.

3.     I do not wish my family to feel obligated towards me in any way. 

Everyone needs others.  Good personal social relationships are the most important contributor to perceived happiness and overall health.  Joan Baez, a folk singer from the 60’s claimed it took her quite a while before she managed to surround herself with people that enhanced who she was and who she wished to be.  She had to extricate herself from those that compromised or diminished her. 

Sometimes things do not always work out and one should go one’s merry way.  Some obligations may be necessary but not for the long haul.  A daughter of my ex-wife made a comment about me that I consider a fine complement.  “Luis does everything.” she relayed to her mother.  “But if it does not get done, then it does not get done.  No one is to blame.”

In line with this train of thought I am decommissioning and relinquishing myself as the familial head of the extended Flores family.  What this means is that I am passing on the Flores’ familial gavel to my offspring.  I am stepping aside giving them the reigns for the future.  They are in-charge.  This is not a big leap.  It has been happening gradually all along. It is already very much the case.

This is not to say we are peers.  If anything, I exceed them in years.  Whilst I was creature that navigated and maneuvered through fields, bogs, seas and jungles, I am now a mountain that stays in one place.  A mountain where cold winds make bare the mountain’s peak that is topped with ice and snow.

I mention this only because one Philippine ideal is an extended family that persists beyond adulthood.  For example, Nora’s late husband’s extended family is intact with three generations all living in Kansas City.  The family was held together by their revered matriarch who recently passed. 

What is next?

After these meditations, come the laundry, the dishes and let’s not forget to eat.  It a beginning and an invitation as well.

For starters, I do not wish to be financially a burden to my children.  Who does?  Fortunately, in this day and age it is unlikely I will be.  I do not mind having to live in a group home if I cannot live by myself.

I wish to be cremated and my ashes broadcast over some Philippine Sea when the time is right. 

I will try and make my wishes known before I pass into the eternal abyss.  I already have an Advance Directive and will work on other helpful documents as well.  “Let me not go quietly into the night.”  But at the same time. let me not leave a motly mess.   

Coming of age Post 2:  To my offspring.

Now that I have clearly relinquished my role as head of the Flores extended family, I advise my offspring to focus on their future, the future of peoplekind. 

Considering all the extreme and unpredictable changes that are rapidly occurring locally and globally, there is little I can offer with clarity or certainty.  The past is the only chance for gray-haired seekers like me to tentatively comprehend and give meaning to life.  My concerns may not be your concerns. The choices you will choose to face and/or make, will be yours. 

I have been a teacher for most of my career so I am economically middle to lower-middle class, basically a wage earner.  I can afford to not be conservative nor hold the attitudes of the political right.  Financial institutions serve the upper-middle class and the economic/corporate elite (including those that cling to the coattails of the one percent).  Most financial and social policies/legislation has disproportionately favored this economic elite.   

Coming of age Post 3:  So, what do we have with the elderly?

Diversity is the case for every period of the lifespan.  Averages are informative but may lead to pigeonholing the individual.  Usually, there is no way to proactively apply an average to an individual.  This can best be accomplished after-the-fact.  

Averages do not address the unique history of one’s choices, one’s system of social involvements, one’s culture, one’s legacy, one’s prudent actions and one’s folly.  In the end, I submit that we be allowed to be victims of our own folly. 

The “average” or typical characteristics of every period of life is readily available on the Internet and in many other publications.  I will not attempt a professional enumeration here.  I do not intend a lecture.  But I will give a broad stroke from the memory I still have.

Characterizations of the elderly emphasize deficits and loss.  There is an overall slowing of everything; in thinking, walking and doing (reaction time and muscle speed).  There is a loss of muscle strength.  There are the aches and pains that come with the wear and tear of the body.  There are sensory deficits and challenges.

The loss of short-term memory stands out.  One has difficulty remembering recent events and difficulty forming new memories.  Long-term memory is relatively intact but retrieving from this store is more difficult and effortful.  So is muti-tasking, focusing attention, computing math problems in one’s head, etc.  I can go on and on.

The coming of age of the Elderly:  J.D. and a reckoning.  Post 4

(June 2, 2023)

I learned something important from whom I shall refer to as JD.  

J.D. was a protestant pastor for many years but eventually quit the clergy.  Otherwise, I know very little about him except from the talks he gave to the “Community of Reason KC” speaker forum.  He was a soft-spoken calm and cordial person, probably in his early 70s.  He was mostly bald with a round face.  It made him appear happy and carefree, at least to me. 

In his first presentation I attended, he introduced himself as someone who “knew nothing.”  This immediately caught my attention because this is exactly what Socrates would claim.  Socrates would say that “he knew that he did not know.”  

J.D. went on to relate how he spent four hours every day for upwards of at least 20 years of his life reading; presumably thinking, pondering and ruminating as well.  Recently he got ill and had to undergo a major operation.  It was a difficult transition in his life fraught with uncertainty and suffering.  But he made it. The operation was a success.  As expected, recovery was slow.  He started back reading an hour a day, gradually increasing the time as his health improved.

Later in his discussion he made the claim that he would not dare nor was he qualified to give any advice to the young, to the upcoming generation.  They exist in a different time, a different environment compared to who he was, what he experienced and what he knew.  He further claimed he was not privy to; nor could he claim to understand what the youth were faced with, nor what they were going through. 

What he knew about was the past. He gave a very meaningful and enjoyable narrative of what came before.  In the very least, it broadened one’s horizon.  It provided a richness that frequently escaped the efforts of others.  It was a story of how man/woman and society had changed and what he/she had become.  Equally important, he provided warnings; red flags for choices that could have perilous consequences if extended into the future.

During his presentation I addressed him in the classical style.  It went, but not exactly, something like the following. 

“Am I to understand dear sir that you claim to have read four hours a day for over 20 years, I queried.

“Yes,” was his immediate reply.

“Yet, after all this time you claim you know nothing?”

“Yes.”

“And did you not sir, after some consideration, opt to undergo major surgery?”  Did you not, during this period of uncertainty, make a choice for life.

“Yes,” was his matter-of-fact reply.

“Then did you not sir, like a God, at that moment create certainty and reality?”

He never got to answer.  A member in the audience intervened with another question, brushing off my query as an attempt to introduce the existential perspective.  That was not my only intent.

An open letter to my children regarding the past

My dear children,

What can we be certain about?

1. Your mother and I messed up.  We would not have gotten a divorce otherwise.
2. The issues between us were not resolved and are not resolved to this present day.
3. Our unresolved issues which continued past our divorce, affected all of you then and still affect you now.
4. We did our best to each other in the only way we knew how.
5. As your parents, we did our best in dealing with how you kids were affected by our difficulties.  Surely, we were successful in some ways, not so much in other ways.
6. Are we, your parents, primarily responsible for this mess – ABSOLUTELY
7. Can you, the children, resolve the issues between your parents – ABSOLUTELY NOT.  Adult issues should stay at the adult level.
8. Can you, the children, resolve issues that are a consequence of our unresolved issues – NO.
9. While children may have an intimate understanding of their parents, they cannot fully know the secrets of their parent’s marriage.  It works the other round as well.  Parents do not know a lot about their children’s private lives and thoughts, their secret fears, strivings and feelings.  Parents may not even know their own subconscious. 
10. Did we, as individual parents, inadvertently and/or erroneously act in ways towards you that were not in your best interests?  ABSOLUTELY, more than you know.  Are these resolvable?  It depends on what they were and how you were impacted.  However, these issues can be brought forth, acknowledged and addressed.  

So where does that leave you? 

It is MY opinion that your interests are best served through the construction of a narrative that deals with your parents’ past issues IN A WAY that allows you and your family to move forward.  Your narrative must not impede your growth and happiness as human beings. Your narrative must not bog you down.  You must continually develop to become your own person.

Major transitions of life may bring to fore the past in ways that may influence decisions you make in the present; the way you see yourself and others, your relationships; and, everything else in your personal environment. 

Every major transition involves a tear in the fabric of your personal history.  Your job is to weave it anew incorporating the best of your legacies with new to-be-legacies of your own design.

1. You can achieve this through deliberate self-reflection, by talking to those you trust and/or to therapists.  Talk to your siblings and people who knew your parents.  It will always be a work-in-progress.
2. You can reflect on all the ways you think of your parents and what you think they think.  How they were to you when you were growing up, when you became an adult, - at the present time?
3. You can engage me in conversation.  I will listen.  I will not explain myself nor allow my beliefs and opinions to dominate.  I will give you the time of day.  I will not judge you.
4. The above may not work.  It is only something that can be tried.
   

Probably one of the most important outcome, is that you truly understand IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  It is not enough for you to be able to say it.  You have to know this in your heart, in your bones, at the core of your being - in your soul.

You are okay.  You are precious.  You are good.  You are loved.  You are lucky to be and have all that you are.  I have always been proud of you and confident about your abilities and goodness.

I will always be your father; in reality, and by choice from the day you were born.  I have and will always love you.  I am sure your mother feels the same way.

dad

Addendum to the coming of age of the Elderly:  J.D. and a reckoning.  Post 5(b)

(My understanding of philosophy was influenced by my association with my colleagues, notably, Don St. Clair, Ray Porter, Fred Whitehead, Elliott Schimmel Hossein Bahmaie, Greg Hodes and others.)  (Addendum added: June 8, 2023.  This is a draft in progress)

A brief introduction to existentialism. 

A few of my friends asked about the existential perspective and what this has to do with a reckoning.  I understand there are variants of the existential.  Below is my formulation.

In the existential view one always has a choice.  In the case where someone is pointing a gun at your head with the ultimatum, “your money or your life;” you still have the choice to comply, not comply, or do something else.  Not choosing is a choice. There may be rare exceptions.  Say a student is physically dragged to class and chained to his/her seat.  Then, maybe the student can legitimately claim it was not his or her choice to attend class that day.

The freedom to choose is the cornerstone of existentialism.  Alternatively, it can be regarded as being dammed and doomed to choose.  Choice is the only way.  Our choices define us, they make us who we are to ourselves as well as to others.  We provide others with examples of choices we made which they may or may not consider for themselves.  Our choices that bring meaning to our life and indirectly to others as well. 

What this means is that we are entirely responsible for and are to blame for how and what we are.  There is no outside reason that causes us to choose other than that we chose.  Make no mistake, the bog of life exists, war is real as is everything else, people, revolutionaries, pollution, climate change, love, endearment, adversity.  There is no magic.  Do not be deluded by a false reality.

Fully embracing the reality that we are completely responsible for who and what we are is the end of innocence (or ignorance).  We experience an existential crisis, an angst; we are terrified.  So, we attribute our choices to causes other than ourselves, usually outside of ourselves.  We choose to act in “bad faith,” to others as well as to ourselves by not taking responsibility for nor own our actions.

Let me give an embellished example of how this works from another source (I can’t recall the source).  The same will hold for any other transaction entered to in “bad faith.”

Say Jason approached Lucille about the possibility of their getting a divorce.  He claimed he made a big mistake when he first married her.  His best friend later recalled and related how he could not be deterred nor dissuaded when he first proposed.  Jason was “ecstatic, certain and resolved.”    From an existential perspective, at least in my version of it, we always make the best choice for ourselves at the time we make that choice.  And there are always advantages and disadvantages to any choice. 

Now Jason wants the equivalent of an annulment or a divorce.  Jason listed all the reasons why he wanted to divorce Lucille.  He listed all her faults.  “If only she did this and/or did not do that, if only she acted differently.”  If he only knew this and that when he proposed. He provided evidence for his position with examples of her past behavior, testimony from those who agreed with him.  He made the choice to falsely deny he made a “real” choice when he married her.          

Where is the reckoning? 

In a possible confrontation Lucille established Jason no longer loved her.  He made the best choice for himself when he married her.  He has since changed and is making the best choice for himself now.  Things do not always work out, no matter what one does.  (I recall a suggestion that couples ought to re-evaluate and reinstate their vows periodically – a divorce and remarriage.  It is because people change.) 

In another variation Jason finally revealed he loves someone else.  He is taking and accepting responsibility for making his first choice and for the choice he is making now. 

Finally, another possibility Jason could own his genuine love for Lucille but does not want to be married to her.

In any case Lucille was satisfied and felt she could make a choice for herself.  Jason was not “passing the buck.”  A reckoning can make revenge or retaliation unnecessary.  One can just be done, let go and move on. 

Or, either may choose otherwise.  Either may choose to kill the other, court the other or choose to love the other regardless. 

In death choosing to love the other regardless keeps the other with you in a good way.

Back to J.D.

J.D. is an early baby boomer.  Existentialism gained prominence in the U.S. in the 60s and 70s.  It marked the weakening of the “Center,” the status quo failed to sustain a standard of truth (reality), morality and opportunities for a “good” life.  Anti-authoritarian sentiments have been replaced with a loss of trust in our leaders and institutions, a balkanization, a tribalization of society.  In existentialism, every choice is a moral dilemma, a personal responsibility to oneself and others.  For many today, the angst of the 60s and 70s has become a desperation, a depression for some.  Others are stuck in a slow recovery from the aftermath of continuous war. 

What does the future hold for everyone below the upper middle class (the wage earners), the upcoming youth?  Are money, coercion and appearance (grandstanding and lies) the only name of the game - the very things over which workers and the youth have little access or control? 

 I think J.D. saw something else.  The baby boomers may be jaded, but much of the youth has not lost their vigor.  The choice is not between the new and the old.  It is not between all-or-none extremes.  The upcoming generation are showing a tolerance, maturity and clarity, unfettered by the angst of the past.   They are burdened with their parents moral dilemmas nor single-minded about the only virtues that ought prevail. 

  If all else fails, we still have each other.  What are we going to look like?  What is the first generation raised primarily by the media going to look like?   What are we going to do?  Can we do it together?

 -o-o-o-o-o-o-o

 [to be continued]

This “Coming of Age” theme has become more involved than I anticipated.